Panels May-June 1997 Point Three: The Performer

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The following is an e-mail version of a class or workshop in the oral tradition conducted in May and June of 1997 which features panels of exemplars who present the characteristics of a type through through their personal stories and first hand accounts. Panels were conducted via e-mail postings between facilitator and panel participants through the Enneagram Mail List.

Jeanne (3w2): "I'm Jeanne and I'm a Three working on my recovery!" This is how I introduce myself when I teach Enneagram workshops and it's really true.

The Enneagram has given me tools for looking at my motivation and behavior that I was never able to see before. Suddenly the world and my place in it made sense.

Now, I'm not a FLAMING THREE--many mistake me for a TWO because of my strong service orientation and caring nature. However, I recognized with chagrin, my strong need to complete the project, get the job done, get the product out--on time and with excellence.

I have always been a workaholic--unfortunately for my bank account it's been in education fields, not commerce. I drove myself through master's and doctoral programs before I was 30 while working full time and raising a young family. Succeeding has always been a given, not an option--and it came easily and naturally for me.

And there's one of the ways I deceive myself and others--I've made the impossible look easy by working 20 hrs. a day and smiling through the drudgy parts. Knowing the Enneagram has helped me slow down a bit and pay more attention to my personal relationships.

Another form of deception is my "terminal cheeriness"--it disarms those who don't want to do it my way and greases the wheels for keeping the project moving. Getting mad or telling people off is a huge waste of time and energy and does not move the project forward. So I put the feelings on the back burner and keep the project on track--and experience the feelings later when I have time to work it through.

I'm nearing retirement age now and remember with shame how little time I spent with family when my son was at home. Now that he's a parent, we've had some good conversations about "family values" and the balance between work and family life. He's a ONE and is also driven to excel—and married to a FOUR.

Someone asked what we need and I think it is unconditional love--not for our work or success--but just for ourselves. I started earning love by reading at age 3 and figured that's how it worked—and until I ran headfirst into the Enneagram at 50, I've been working hard trying to earn grace and love.

I've also been a spiritual seeker for many years--and tried without success to do quiet forms of meditation. Body work, tai chi, yoga and other active forms of prayer and meditation work much better for me--but were not able to illuminate my shadow like the knowledge of the Enneagram has done. It has been a wonderful and challenging gift which I've shared with church and school groups.

Bianca (3w4): I deceive myself when I go on autopilot and do what will earn praise or acceptance without stopping to ask myself why I do what I do. I deceive myself by deciding that an issue is "not a big deal" without recognizing that it raises unpleasant feelings. I deceive myself and others by not addressing these things that trigger unpleasant emotions. I don't want to rock the boat, so I let things that bug me slide, which from a strict perspective is itself dishonest (although the three definition of "honesty" is I think a bit broader than it is for other types.)

Jeanne hit the nail on the head when she said that threes need unconditional love. Otherwise, the guard is up, the antennae are out feeling for what needs to be said or done to get approval. Similarly, threes often need to be reminded not to care about what others will think. This can be a really hard lesson. I was lucky enough to learn it the hard way at age 16. It is still a challenge, but it can also be extraordinarily liberating not to give a damn what others will think. Detaching from what others think is the first step in becoming a genuine person.

Jeanne also referred to making the impossible look easy and smiling through the drudgery. Complaining is not part of the game plan. I'd rather just buckle down, do it, and then let people wonder however did I manage to do all that at once. (Currently I am studying for finals in my last semester of law school, and living a bi-coastal marriage; husband in NY, me in CA. I am preparing for two bar exams, a move back to New York, and (hopefully) a new job.)

I have noticed that in my group of friends, I am the one people come to in a crisis. I think this is because my friends know I won't lose my head even if they are a mess. I find it gratifying that people count on me that way.

On a normal level I feel I have a hard time connecting with people and making really good friends. That people show up on my doorstep at 3 am in a crisis is to me an indication of real friendship, and because I feel emotionally handicapped, I can indicate to that friend how I value the relationship by helping them in whatever way they need. This is my way of "doing feelings."

Finally, a big hooray and welcome to Jeanne for speaking up. I knew I wasn't the only three out there on the list.

Jeanne (3w2): The responses to our THREE postings have been very supportive and reassuring. When I took the first oral tradition Enneagram workshop after studying it from books and tapes for about a year, I was shocked and unprepared to have point THREE discussed first--and found it VERY awkward to be asked about my well-buried feelings. It's much easier to follow others who have established a model for what is expected than to break ground in the feelings domain!

For those who have expressed concern about dealing with THREE employers, colleagues, etc., I would also urge you to be cautious and aware of their level of emotional maturity and spiritual development. An "unredeemed" THREE is not a pretty sight and is a source of great embarrassment and a reminder of what I have been and could become again without awareness and consciousness. THREEs can be "used car salespersons" in whatever field--and there's a part of me that loves to sell ideas and feel the approval and flow from the crowd as I respond to their interests using their language and experiences. It's great! I realize that I'm much more personal with a crowd than with individual friends. It's easier to share these thoughts with unknown email "buddies" than it is with close friends. Like Bianca I am the one that friends turn to for support, especially with the hard stuff--like divorces, deaths, and terminal illnesses. I am a ROCK for them--and only occasionally cry when I'm alone. However, I can't imagine anyone that I could turn to and feel comfortable if I was falling apart.

In giving feeling-type feedback to a THREE, I would be sure to wrap it inside assurances that: (1) I know you would never deliberately damage anyone; (2) Having this feedback will make your task more successful; (3) I trust your goodness and judgment enough to tell you this because it's scary for me. When I get feedback about how I've injured someone or that someone is not happy with something I'm doing, it always shocks and surprises me--and there's a stab of pain for being misunderstood. I usually set out to fix it immediately because I can't stand having that kind of discord going on--it's personally unpleasant and counterproductive to getting the job done well. If the person is truly unreasonable (IMHO) and their role in the project is not essential, I may minimize their future involvement and work around them.

I don't harbor grudges and when the issues are resolved, it's totally over. However, I am aware of that person's sensitivities and really try to avoid creating any future problems with them. If it takes tons of effort to modify my behavior to be around someone, I check out and avoid situations where we would be together.

As I've matured, I have learned to observe more and speak less--despite the length of this posting! I do like to respond immediately and generally do not procrastinate. The responses and questions to our THREE postings have been helpful and thought provoking. It helps me turn inward to ponder questions that never come up otherwise!

Jack (1): Bianca, you said: "Otherwise, the guard is up, the antennae are out feeling for what needs to be said or done to get approval ."

Bianca, would you be willing to tell us more about this process you experience in "feeling for what needs to be said or done"? How do you experience it? What's it look like? What does it feel like?

Bianca (3w4): This has been a very hard question to answer, partly because it is something I am trying to do less in my efforts to be a more "genuine" person. It is a very subtle process. I pay attention to speaking styles, manners of dress, sense of humor, mood, setting, body language, etc. and can frame my responses in the way that seems most likely to get a positive response. In a superficial social setting, like a cocktail party, I think this is probably ok. In a deep personal relationship, it's not ok.

At my old job (before going back to school) I worked for a 5 who enjoyed giving me pop quizzes about the contents of The Economist ("Can you name all the countries in the CIS?") and the New York Times ("there was an article about tuberous begonias in the home section last week, did you see it?") I enjoyed reading the Times and the Economist, and I would have read them anyway, (I still do) and could tell he was pleased I was interested in things he felt were important. He particularly enjoyed carrying on these horrendously obtuse conversations where nothing was ever stated directly but rather what was left unsaid was most important. I became adept at these "speaking between the lines" conversations, and I recognized that certain personal issues were simply too painful for him to deal with in a straightforward manner. When I left after three years, he called me into his office and made a serious of statements that he assumed would be grand revelations. He was stunned to learn that I had figured all these things out three years earlier; but I had also sensed that discretion was so terribly important to him that to let on to anyone what I knew, even to him, would be too alarming, so I just kept it to myself.

As a process, it is really hard to describe, because it is something I have been doing since before I became a really conscious person. (I know there is the nature vs. nurture debate about enneagram type, but I think I was born a three.) I am the youngest in my family, and I always wanted to be able to do all the things my sisters did (especially the things they were praised for.) In one sense, it is simply figuring out what is important to that person, and giving it to them.

Bianca (3w4): Jack, all the questions you have posed here have been really thought-provoking and I thank you for challenging me to stop and examine things I can do unthinkingly. I have never been to a live workshop and I appreciate the chance to be on a "virtual panel." If you have any more questions, I'll be happy to make a stab at answering them.

Margaret (3w4): Because I've very recently started identifying heavily with 3 rather than 4, I thought I'd add a little of my personal experience, as a late addition to the 3 panel:

I identified with point 4 for the past 4 or 5 years. I felt a little like a fraud being point 4, but secretly liked being a 4 ! There was lots I did identify with. Now, I think it was the strong 4 wing I have that was speaking to me, rather than the main 3 point which I haven't been anxious to own. But recently a combination of events (including a deeper understanding of an important 3 person in my life, a new work situation, and the 3 panel here) has turned my attention toward 3 and reading about point 3 has given me access to a much deeper sense of myself, and a real feeling that the pitfalls and antidotes for a 3 actually have practical meaning for me. Before this, I never ever thought I was a 3.

The thing which really brought me to 3 was that I can be such a robot and work all day, at the computer or in the garden, never giving a thought to my body or feelings (unless the feeling is anxiety that the job isn't going well or the feeling is pride in the job).

I pride myself on efficiency and get a lot of pleasure from it, especially if there is elegance that I can also bring to the task.

At work, I am often secretive about a difficult project, not wanting anyone to see my work until I have figured it out and have something presentable to show. Also, to produce something on time, I may choose cutting corners (if it isn't that noticeable) to admitting that I'm in trouble and asking for a time extension. I will wait until almost the end to admit such a thing. I feel that because I don't know the job perfectly (otherwise I wouldn't be behind) my client won't think I'm worth my pay. I usually avoid these fears by being highly efficient! I've been "getting off" on my skills, whether they be figuring out a new computer program or figuring out how to appear "together" in a new situation. But the motivation for all this efficiency has been to keep my fears at bay. I genuinely like being efficient, but it's like being in service to the devil for me to continue using efficiency to keep feelings repressed.

Do you remember those t-shirts that came out about 10 years ago that said things like: (a woman with her palm against her forehead, looking aghast) "I forgot to have a baby!" and "I'm becoming the kind of man I always wanted to marry." I think those t-shirts show a female baby boomer slant of the point 3.

I'm finding (when I remember!) that what is helpful is: tuning in to my body A LOT, consciously identifying my feelings, and acting accordingly. It's a moment-by-moment vigilance that is required. And each moment that I do these things is a triumph (and feels great . . . freedom!).

I apologize for being a bit late for the 3 panel. Since identifying with point 3 is a very new thing for me, this was as soon as the thoughts could emerge. Thanks,

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